This is, currently, the most sedated period of my life. The barbiturates and diazepam were induced to me around a month ago, and have continued to lag me, decreasing my interest in some major aspects of my life. What used to be my top priority has been shifted to a few levels down. I’m the patient and the chief surgeon at the same time. and now I’m telling myself be and stay strong so that I could get a grip of myself back, yet the sedation continues to wear me down to the extent that I can’t bear it any longer. ‘Let it be’ is the status now ? (just like The Beatles ) No way ! But how long more can I handle my insensitive senses and guilty perceptions? Where is the lion in me? (yes I am a Leo).. Am I making any or enough effort to revive my soul back and also overcome the lethargic side-effect?
….I’m regaining some pulse back..there are signs telling me that I will make it through, no matter how long, no matter how hard. Living is not only about focusing on bad medical history or troubled pasts. Its also about looking forward to a better tomorrow. There is a cure, there should be a therapeutic and soul-istic intervention. And this procedure will be led by chief surgeon Jewelz. She is doing her best to bring back the ‘lion’ in her, her soul and her life. It takes nearly 4-5 years to get a scroll in medical degree, so that you can practice to help the sick and another couple of years before you get to be a specialist.. But to get a PhD to learn and know yourself may take a life time. You may not know if whats best for you now will still be good for you in the future, and you also don’t know if the things you hate most right now, is actually waiting and wishing that you change your mind because it is actually whats better and ideal for you. Humans are not God. we may dejavu but we can’t tell.
To err is human. Because all human make mistakes. We have to forgive too yeah ! And we must not take err too hard to the extent we find it difficult even to think of a solution for the slightest of problem. But musn’t take it too easy as well ! Besides on just relying on our rational brains, we have to take into account our mind also, and on top of that our faith,belief and strength. Its never a one-sided victory if i do overcome an err/dilemma. I can’t be rationally happy and yet in my heart and mind, things are not looking so pretty. Some of us do pretend that we’re satisfied with our life, thanks to the constant income and supportive families and friends, and that we don’t to really have to think outside the box to seek what’s really missing. Do you get what I’m trying to say here? Or am I talking too softly ?
Ok, back to the sedation story. This patient will overcome the sedation because she has had more than enough being clueless ,hopeless and pointless throughout the surgery that she rather feel pain and hit back to reality than stay unconscious while the mess around her continues to grow. She WILL wake up pretty soon, fights the side effects and come back pretty strong, optimistic and determined. Determined that she will be in control again after losing it the past 1-2 months. HAVE HOPE.
Before being discharged by the chief surgeon, she said ‘I thank you and your team for the assistance, I really appreciate it, but I owe it to God that I’m still alive and for helping me find myself, and my courage.’. Note that she said ‘owe it to God’ and not ‘also owe it’.. I think the patient has found her lion back anyways..well..end of story.
What’s your say on this? This is suppose to be an self-realization essay-journal of some sort, tho I’m not sure of the exact classification of this writing. Thank you for reading it to the last letter. I appreciate the time. And would be very glad if you could respond to the post. God Bless you all .