the Leo in me..


This is, currently, the most sedated period of my life.  The barbiturates and diazepam were induced to me around a month ago, and have continued to lag me, decreasing my interest in some major aspects of my life. What used to be my top priority has been shifted to a few levels down. I’m the patient and the chief surgeon at the same time. and now I’m telling myself be and stay strong so that I could get a grip of myself back, yet the sedation continues to wear me down to the extent that I can’t bear it any longer. ‘Let it be’  is the status now ? (just like The Beatles ) No way ! But how long more can I handle my insensitive senses and guilty perceptions? Where is the lion in me? (yes I am  a Leo).. Am I making any or enough effort to revive my soul back and also overcome the lethargic side-effect?

unconscious...

….I’m regaining some pulse back..there are signs telling me that I will make it through, no matter how long, no matter how hard. Living is not only about focusing on bad medical history or troubled pasts. Its also about looking forward to a better tomorrow. There is a cure, there should be  a therapeutic and soul-istic intervention. And this procedure will be led by chief surgeon Jewelz. She is doing her best to bring back the ‘lion’ in her, her soul and her life. It takes nearly 4-5 years to get a scroll in medical degree, so that you can practice to help the sick and another couple of years before you get to be a specialist.. But to get a PhD to learn and know yourself  may take a life time. You may not know  if  whats best for you now will still be good for you in the future, and you also don’t know if  the things  you hate most right now, is actually waiting and wishing that you change your mind because it is actually whats better and ideal for you. Humans are not God. we may dejavu but we can’t tell.

To err is human. Because all human make mistakes.  We have to forgive too yeah ! And we must not take err too hard to the extent we find it difficult even to think of a solution for the slightest of problem. But musn’t take it too easy  as well ! Besides on just relying on our rational brains, we have to take into account our  mind also, and on top of that our faith,belief and strength. Its never a one-sided victory if i do overcome an err/dilemma.  I can’t be rationally happy and yet in my heart and mind, things are not looking so pretty. Some of us do pretend that we’re satisfied with our life, thanks to the constant income and supportive families and friends, and that we don’t to really have to think outside the box to seek what’s really missing. Do you get what I’m trying to say here? Or am I talking too softly ?

Ok, back to the sedation story. This patient will overcome the sedation because she has had more than enough being clueless ,hopeless and pointless throughout the surgery that she rather feel pain and hit back to reality than stay unconscious while the mess around her continues to grow.  She WILL wake up pretty soon, fights the side effects and come back pretty strong, optimistic and determined. Determined that she will be in control again after losing it the past 1-2 months. HAVE HOPE.

Before being discharged by the chief surgeon, she said ‘I thank you and your team  for the assistance, I really appreciate it, but I owe it to God that I’m still alive and for helping me find myself, and my courage.’.  Note that she said ‘owe it to God’ and not ‘also owe it’..  I think the patient has found her lion back anyways..well..end of story.

She sees hope

She sees hope

What’s your say on this? This is suppose to be an self-realization essay-journal of some sort, tho I’m not sure of the exact classification of this writing. Thank you for reading it to the last letter. I appreciate the time. And would be very  glad if you could respond to the post. God Bless you all .


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13 comments

  1. The Leo in Me

    I m Missjewelz
    Juliana Ali
    Sedated with barb
    Pumped with diazepam
    Declined interest in life
    oh my goodness
    topsy turvy priority
    that aint healthy
    I’m the patient
    and the chief surgeon
    and now I’m telling myself
    get a grip of myself
    be and stay strong
    but the sedation
    its just too damnation
    what will I be
    ‘Let it be’ ?
    No way !
    I will do it my way
    But how long more
    can I handle my insensitive senses
    and guilty perceptions?
    Trials and tribulations
    Where is the lion in me?
    to revive my soul back
    to overcome the lethargic side-effect?
    ….I’m regaining some pulse back..
    there are signs telling me
    that I will make it through,
    I really hope so
    I do I do
    no matter how long,
    no matter how hard
    I will persevere
    Like a st bernard
    Living is not only about focusing
    on bad medical history or troubled pasts
    but fellas…
    It’s about looking forward
    to a better tomorrow
    in spite of all the sorrow
    There is a cure
    there should be therapeutic
    and soul-istic
    led by chief surgeon Jewelz.
    She is doing her best
    to bring back the ‘lion’ in her,
    her soul and her life
    You may not know if whats best for you now
    will still be good for you in the future,
    and you also don’t know if the things you hate most right now,
    is actually waiting and wishing that you change your mind
    and hopefully you will find
    because it is actually whats better and ideal for you
    perhaps its dejavu
    To err is human
    I m a woman
    We have to forgive too yeah !
    What do you say ?
    And we must not take err too hard
    too difficult even to think of a solution
    But musn’t take it too easy as well !
    Besides on just relying on our rational brains,
    must take into account our mind also,
    and on top of that …
    our faith, belief and strength
    It’s never a one-sided victory
    if i do overcome an err/dilemma
    I can’t be rationally happy
    and yet in my heart and mind,
    things are not looking so pretty
    Some of us do pretend
    that we’re satisfied with our life,
    thanks to the constant income
    and supportive families and friends,
    and that we don’t to really have to think
    outside the box
    to seek what’s really missing
    Do you get what I’m trying to say here?
    Or am I talking too softly ?
    This patient will overcome the sedation
    because she has had more than enough
    being clueless ,
    hopeless
    and pointless
    throughout the surgery
    that she rather feel pain
    and hit back to reality
    than stay unconscious
    while the mess around her continues to grow
    She WILL wake up pretty soon,
    fights the side effects
    and come back pretty strong,
    optimistic and determined
    Determined that she will be in control again
    after losing it the past 1-2 months.
    Before being discharged by the chief surgeon,
    she said ‘I thank you and your team for the assistance,
    I really appreciate it,
    but I owe it to God that I’m still alive
    and for helping me find myself,
    and my courage.’
    I think the patient has found her lion back
    She sees hope

  2. The Leo in Me2

    the patient has found her lion back
    she dont need dope
    no barb nor diazepam in a pac
    when she sees hope
    when she sees hope

  3. The Leo in Me3

    dominant, spontaneously creative and extrovert
    In grandeur of manner,
    splendor of bearing
    and magnanimity of personality,
    monarch’s among humans
    as the lion is king of beasts.
    ambitious, courageous, dominant,
    strong willed, positive, independent,
    self-confident
    uncomplicated,
    strongly idealistic,
    humane, and beneficent.
    have powerful intelligence
    and are of a broad philosophical,
    sometimes religious, turn of mind.
    excessively negative Leonian can be
    one of the most unpleasant human beings imaginable,
    displaying extreme arrogance,
    autocratic pride,
    haughtiness,
    and excessive hastiness of temper.
    a passion for luxury,
    emotional indulgence,
    Fortunately it is rare
    that a Leo is so undisciplined
    as to give way thoroughly to vices,
    and their tendencies to them are usually balanced
    by an innate wisdom.
    Leo type is open, sincere, genuine and trusting.
    Outgoing, spontaneously warm hearted and plain spoken,
    though never lacking in kindliness,
    Leos are more disillusioned
    than the average
    if let down by those they trust.

  4. The Leo in Me4

    According to the stars
    Leo goes with Aries,
    Sagittarius, Gemini, Libra and especially Pisces
    Leos are true romantics
    very passionate and loving
    so much caring
    but need to be a skeptic
    when being romantic
    emotional involvement allows the heart to rule the head
    Unless the head and heart are in sync
    fate may teach a hard lesson to tolerate

  5. Friendship

    Your friend
    is your needs answered.
    He is your field
    which you sow with love
    and reap with thanksgiving.
    And he is
    your board and your fireside.
    For you come to him
    with your hunger,
    and you seek him
    for peace.
    When your friend speaks his mind
    you fear not the “nay” in your own mind,
    nor do you withhold the “ay.”
    And when he is silent
    your heart ceases
    not to listen to his heart;
    For without words,
    in friendship,
    all thoughts,
    all desires,
    all expectations
    are born and shared,
    with joy
    that is unacclaimed.
    When you part from your friend,
    you grieve not;
    For that which you love most in him
    may be clearer in his absence,
    as the mountain to the climber
    is clearer from the plain.
    And let there be no purpose in friendship
    save the deepening of the spirit.
    For love that seeks aught
    but the disclosure of its own mystery
    is not love but a net cast forth:
    and only the unprofitable is caught.
    And let your best
    be for your friend.
    If he must know
    the ebb of your tide,
    let him know its flood also.
    For what is your friend
    that you should seek him
    with hours to kill?
    Seek him always
    with hours to live.
    For it is his
    to fill your need,
    but not your emptiness.
    And in the sweetness of friendship
    let there be laughter,
    and sharing of pleasures.
    For in the dew of little things
    the heart finds its morning
    and is refreshed.

    Khalil Gibran

  6. Giving

    You give but little
    when you give
    of your possessions.
    It is when you give of yourself
    that you truly give.
    For what are your possessions
    but things you keep and guard
    for fear you may need them tomorrow?
    And tomorrow,
    what shall tomorrow bring
    to the overprudent dog
    burying bones in the trackless sand
    as he follows the pilgrims
    to the holy city?
    And what is fear of need
    but need itself?
    Is not dread of thirst
    when your well is full,
    the thirst that is unquenchable?
    There are those
    who give little
    of the much
    which they have–
    and they give it for
    recognition
    and their hidden desire
    makes their gifts
    unwholesome.
    And there are those
    who have little
    and give it all.
    These are the believers in life
    and the bounty of life,
    and their coffer
    is never empty.
    There are those
    who give with joy,
    and that joy is their reward.
    And there are those
    who give with pain,
    and that pain is their baptism.
    And there are those
    who give and know
    not pain in giving,
    nor do they seek joy,
    nor give with
    mindfulness of virtue;
    They give as in yonder valley
    the myrtle breathes
    its fragrance into space.
    Through the hands
    of such as these
    God speaks,
    and from behind their eyes
    He smiles upon the earth.
    It is well to give when asked,
    but it is better to give unasked,
    through understanding;
    And to the open-handed
    the search for one
    who shall receive
    is joy greater than giving.
    And is there
    aught you would withhold?
    All you have
    shall some day be given;
    Therefore give now,
    that the season of giving
    may be yours
    and not your inheritors’.
    You often say,
    “I would give, but only to the deserving.”
    The trees in your orchard
    say not so,
    nor the flocks
    in your pasture.
    They give that they may live,
    for to withhold is to perish.
    Surely he who is worthy
    to receive his days
    and his nights,
    is worthy of all else from you.
    And he who has deserved to drink
    from the ocean of life
    deserves to fill his cup
    from your little stream.
    And what desert greater
    shall there be,
    than that which lies
    in the courage
    and the confidence,
    nay the charity,
    of receiving?
    And who are you
    that men should rend their bosom
    and unveil their pride,
    that you may see their worth naked
    and their pride unabashed?
    See first that you yourself deserve
    to be a giver,
    and an instrument of giving.
    For in truth
    it is life
    that gives unto life
    while you,
    who deem yourself a giver,
    are but a witness.
    And you receivers…
    and you are all receivers…
    assume no weight of gratitude,
    lest you lay a yoke
    upon yourself
    and upon him
    who gives.
    Rather rise together
    with the giver
    on his gifts
    as on wings;
    For to be overmindful
    of your debt,
    is to doubt
    his generosity
    who has the freehearted earth
    for mother,
    and God
    for father

    khalil gibran

  7. Joy and Sorrow

    Your joy
    is your sorrow
    unmasked.
    And the selfsame well
    from which your laughter rises
    was oftentimes filled
    with your tears.
    And how else can it be?
    The deeper that sorrow carves
    into your being,
    the more joy
    you can contain.
    Is not the cup that you dine
    the very cup
    that was burned in the potter’s oven?
    And is not the lute
    that soothes your spirit,
    the very wood
    that was hollowed with knives?
    When you are joyous,
    look deep into your heart
    and you shall find
    it is only that
    which has given you sorrow
    that is giving you joy.
    When you are sorrowful
    look again in your heart,
    and you shall see
    that in truth
    you are weeping
    for that which has been
    your delight.
    Some of you say,
    ‘Joy is greater than sorrow,’
    and others say,
    ‘Nay, sorrow is the greater.’
    But I say unto you,
    they are inseparable.
    Together they come,
    and when one sits alone with you
    at your board,
    remember that the other is asleep
    upon your bed.
    Verily you are suspended
    like scales
    between your sorrow
    and your joy.
    Only when you are empty
    are you at standstill
    and balanced.
    When the treasure-keeper lifts you
    to weigh his gold
    and his silver,
    needs must your joy
    or your sorrow rise or fall.

    Kahlil Gibran

  8. Pain

    Your pain
    is the breaking of the shell
    that encloses your understanding.
    Even as the stone of the fruit must break,
    that its heart may stand in the sun,
    so must you know pain.
    And could you keep your heart in wonder
    at the daily miracles of your life,
    your pain would not seem less wondrous
    than your joy;
    And you would accept
    the seasons of your heart,
    even as you have always accepted
    the seasons that pass over your fields.
    And you would watch with serenity
    through the winters of your grief.
    Much of your pain
    is self-chosen.
    It is the bitter potion
    by which the physician within you
    heals your sick self.
    Therefore trust the physician,
    and drink his remedy
    in silence and tranquility:
    For his hand,
    though heavy and hard,
    is guided by the tender hand
    of the Unseen,
    And the cup he brings,
    though it burn your lips,
    has been fashioned
    of the clay
    which the Potter has moistened
    with His own sacred tears.

    Kahlil Gibran

  9. Pleasure

    Pleasure is a freedom song,
    But it is not freedom.
    It is the blossoming of your desires,
    But it is not their fruit.
    It is a depth calling unto a height,
    But it is not the deep nor the high.
    It is the caged taking wing,
    But it is not space encompassed.
    Ay, in very truth,
    pleasure is a freedom-song.
    And I fain would have you sing it
    with fullness of heart;
    yet I would not have you lose your hearts
    in the singing.
    Some of your youth seek pleasure
    as if it were all,
    and they are judged and rebuked.
    I would not judge nor rebuke them.
    I would have them seek.
    For they shall find pleasure,
    but not her alone:
    Seven are her sisters,
    and the least of them
    is more beautiful than pleasure.
    Have you not heard of the man
    who was digging in the earth
    for roots and found a treasure?
    And some of your elders remember pleasures
    with regret like wrongs committed in drunkenness.
    But regret is the beclouding of the mind
    and not its chastisement.
    They should remember their pleasures
    with gratitude,
    as they would the harvest of a summer.
    Yet if it comforts them to regret,
    let them be comforted.
    And there are among you
    those who are neither young to seek
    nor old to remember;
    And in their fear of seeking and remembering
    they shun all pleasures,
    lest they neglect the spirit
    or offend against it.
    But even in their foregoing
    is their pleasure.
    And thus they too find a treasure
    though they dig for roots with quivering hands.
    But tell me,
    who is he that can offend the spirit?
    Shall the nightingale offend
    the stillness of the night,
    or the firefly the stars?
    And shall your flame
    or your smoke
    burden the wind?
    Think you the spirit is a still pool
    which you can trouble with a staff?
    Oftentimes in denying yourself pleasure
    you do but store the desire
    in the recesses of your being.
    Who knows but that which seems omitted today,
    waits for tomorrow?
    Even your body knows its heritage
    and its rightful need
    and will not be deceived.
    And your body
    is the harp of your soul,
    And it is yours
    to bring forth sweet music from it
    or confused sounds.
    And now you ask in your heart,
    ‘How shall we distinguish
    that which is good in pleasure
    from that which is not good?’
    Go to your fields and your gardens,
    and you shall learn
    that it is the pleasure of the bee
    to gather honey of the flower,
    But it is also the pleasure of the flower
    to yield its honey to the bee.
    For to the bee a flower
    is a fountain of life,
    And to the flower a bee
    is a messenger of love,
    And to both,
    bee and flower,
    the giving and the receiving of pleasure
    is a need
    and an ecstasy.

    Kahlil Gibran

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